But really, I've just been going through a lot of things as of late. I'm back in college, finding myself a little overwhelmed with work (not that I can't do it, but I can't do it and have much of a life around it at the same time, ya know?). I'm missing my daily comic routine, hopefully I'll find some spare time soon to doodle up some pages.
The biggest thing though, would be breaking up with my girlfriend of the past year, year and a half. It's been about 2 months here now, and I'd be a liar if I said I was over it and over her yet. Truth be told, I don't think I'll ever fully be over her...I can honestly say I love her (not loved, love) and undoubtedly always will to a degree. I'd say I'd give anything to have things back the way they were, but I know that's neither going to happen nor really should; maybe we found each other at the wrong time in life when neither of us were ready for such a serious relationship. But who knows?
Of course, I did my trademark thing: make sure during a break up that it'll never be repairable. Why do I do this? Not a clue. Probably just the result of the pain of knowing I'm being abandoned working off of my anger of the situation. But no, I made sure we'd never get back together. I regret it, I always do.
The point of this blog is I guess just to let out the frustrations, pain, and general discontent I'm feeling over this whole situation. Maybe getting these feelings out will help me get over them, since I can't tell all of this too her, I can at least say it out loud to myself (god knows I'm the only one who reads these, am I right or what?).
There's no word in any language strong enough to express how truly
sorry I am. I realize I fucked up, I changed things, I was selfish and
I should have tried harder. I could have tried harder.
There's a million different things I could have done better,
but god damn it I fuckin tried.
I'm not going to make myself out to be the victim here, but I won't
admit to being the villain either. We both have our hangups,
neither of us are perfect.
I can't say anything to get you back I know,
I don't think that would be in either of our best interests at the time anyway.
That doesn't change the fact that I want you back baby,
If there was anything I could do,
anything I could say
God knows it'd happen in a heartbeat.
But that's never going to happen.
That can't happen,
it won't.
I spend too much time drinking,
trying to forget you
and I can't
no,
I don't want to
I just don't want to hurt.
The thought that you're already over me,
that you've managed to move on so fast.
That kills me, it's a knife in my chest
Maybe I didn't mean as much
to you as you do to me.
But I wish you well,
honestly and true,
I hope you find happiness in this world.
I have no ill feelings,
Not towards you.
But its time I close the door on this,
To never open it again,
I shall not lock it though.
I won't fret over my mistakes a moment longer
and I won't dwell on what could have been.
Should we meet again,
possibly things might be different.
Maybe
Just
Maybe.
I'm no poet but that's how I feel.
It's time now that I bury this all behind me and look to future prospects. I'm smart enough to realize I'm young and that I will find love again. It's just getting back out there and playing the whole game again that's the struggle.
With this first semester essentially done, my workload beginning to tapper off, I'm hoping to get back to my comic. I've also been bouncing ideas around for some writing, both adding to my old and starting new.
